Where is the hickey?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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