You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
