I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
