got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
