That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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