I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
