yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
