YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
