i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
