you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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