my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
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