my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
