You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
