i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
