You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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