My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
