my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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