How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
