Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
