I can text with my tongue
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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