Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
