anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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