and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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