it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
