Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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