if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
