You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
