I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
