New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
