my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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