i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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