The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
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