He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
