Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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