he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
