Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
no you cant smoke seaweed
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
There's always time for handjobs
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize