I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
