I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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