I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
