I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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