So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
