11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
