i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
