he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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