I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
