Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
