I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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