the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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