ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
accomplished twins. life is a go
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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