Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
he fucked my hip out of place.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Randomize
