I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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