Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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