I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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