Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
