Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
