I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
