Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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