On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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