Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
