I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
