We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
what day is it and did you see me today?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
